Monty Python and G Gundam!
by Dark Lord 904
Summary: What happens when you get a crazy author, a show and an insane movie and mix them together? Read this story to find out! Contains OOC characters and random insaneness. Do not read if you have no sense of humor.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do NOT own G Gundam or Monty Python. G Gundam is owned by Bandai, and Monty Python is owned by four living and one dead complete screwballs. 

A/N: This is a fic mixing Monty Python and the Holy Grail and G Gundam. Characters will be OOC, stupid, and randomly insane. Please do not contact me if you have a problem with that, because obviously your brain has been replaced with Spam and you are an idiot. Thank You, this has been a public service announcement made by Spam Inc. 

**And Now………**

**G Gundam and the Man Named Kyoji!**

It was a cold foggy morning in someplace that has no real name, but is just a foggy place in Studio 24. King Domon and his trusty servant Rain galloped up a hill made of plywood, paint, and plaster molds, intent on reaching the model of a castle above.

Domon: Whoa, Rain! Lets go check this false castle out!

Rain: (Grumbling under her breath about having to clop two empty halves of coconut together to make a horse sound and carry all of Domon's stuff on her back) Can't you just use the Core Lander or Fuunsaiki? 

Domon: No. This is supposed to be in Medieval Times, and I have no idea who this Fuunsaiki guy is… (Whistles)

Rain: (Under breath) Stupid, stereotypical Git.

Domon: What was that?

Rain: Oh, nothing………

And so, the two intrepid semi-heroes, or to be-heroes, but right now just people, went on to the castle in Studio 24.

Guard 1: Who goes there?

Domon: It is I, the one and only Domon Kasshu. Fighter of Neo Japan. Defeater of all other people! The most important guy since……… well, since myself!

Guard 1: Pull the other one.

Domon: I am, and this is my trusty servant Rain. We have ridden the length of the country to find Knights of the Shuffle Alliance, and ask that if we could stay here for the night, your lord and master can join the Shuffle Alliance.

Guard 1: What, ridden on a horse?

Domon: Yes.

Guard 1: You're using coconuts!

Domon: What?

Guard 1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' em together! That's not a horse! It's a prop! A cheap Prop! You lazy bums!

Domon: Look, who cares? Just go and ask your-

Guard 1: Where'd you get the coconuts?

Domon: We found them.

Guard 1: Found em? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical, and this is a temperate zone! And a swallow can't carry a coconut, even if it were an African Swallow!

Guard 2: But two swallows could hold it on a standard creeper, and carry it!

Guard 1: (Doesn't notice Rain and Domon leave) What, held underneath the dorsal guiding feathers? Or could a Gundam have dropped it? Huh……… I don't know, and now I've got a headache………

END FIRST INSTALLMENT OF COMPLETE INSANITY

A/N 2: Yes, the beginning part was taken right out of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but that's too bad for you people who think other people's work is complete rubbish. I'd like to see how much people will like your stuff if you constantly put other people's stuff in the garbage. But for those of you who like this stuff, good job!


	2. The Second installment

Disclaimer: I do NOT own G Gundam or Monty Python. G Gundam is owned by Bandai, and Monty Python is owned by four living and one dead complete screwballs. 

A/N: Hey, thanks! I actually got reviews from people for once! Wow! 

         Sora: Glad you like it. Took me a while to get moving, but I eventually got it up **weakly grins ** I'm just lazy.

         Crystal of psyche: Yeah, I love Monty Python too. **Grins** The guys were geniuses when they thought up this stuff. Hope you enjoy the rest of this fic.

          Joe Mello: Yes, I do know that Fuunsaiki is Master's horse. However, at the end of the series, he becomes Domon's. I based it on that. Not that it really matters, anyway. Just wanted to point that out.

And Now 

**G Gundam And The man called Kyoji!**

**PART TWO**

It was a few minutes since Rain and King Domon had left the castle in Studio 24, and gone ahead to the peasant village in Studio 26. Studio 25 was being used to make Scene 27, which will be shot in Studio 29. Now, onto the story. 

Cart Guy: Bring out your DG infested semi-dead! (bangs cow bell) Bring out your DG infested semi-dead! (gong)

Man #1: Here's one.

Cart Guy: That'll be nine pence.

DG Infested Person: I'm not dead!

Cart Guy: What?

DGIP: I'm not dead!

Cart Guy: Here, he says he's not dead!

Man #1: He will be soon, the cells have almost reached his brain. Here's your nine pence.

Cart Guy: I can't take him like that, it's against regulations! It's not healthy!

Man #1: Can you just wait a bit? He won't be long…

DGIP: I'm getting better!

Cart Guy: Naw, got to go down to the Robinson's, they've lost nine today.

DGIP: I think I'll go for a walk!

Man #1: Shut up, you're not fooling anyone! Look, isn't there something you can do?

DGIP: I feel happy… I feel happy… (Cart Guy walks around and hits DGIP over the head with a club, killing him) Ughhh!

Cart Guy: (sees Domon and Rain semi-gallop by) Wonder who that is. Must be a king.

Man #1: What makes you say that?

Cart Guy: He hasn't got shit all over him.

Now, our intrepid semi-heroes, for that is what they are, set out to Studio 30's false castle. Passing several peasants on the way, King Domon decided to ask one who lives in the castle. 

Domon: You, old woman!

(The "old woman" turns around to reveal Kyral Mekirel, who glares at Domon)

Kyral: Man.

Domon: What? 

Kyral: I'm a man.

Domon: Well, from the back, you- forget it. Old man, who lives in that castle?

Kyral: I'm 37. I'm not old.

Domon: Well, I can't just call you "man", then, can I?

Kyral. You could try Kyral.

Domon: I didn't know you were called Kyral.

Kyral: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? You kings, always looking down on other people.

Old Woman: Kyral, there's some lovely mud over here… Oh, hello.

Domon: How do you do, good lady. I am Domon, King of Hearts.

Old Woman: King of what?

Domon: King of Hearts. I'm also a Gundam Fighter.

Old Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.

Domon: You don't vote for kings!

Old Woman: Then how'd you become king, anyway?

Domon: (special heavenly angel music in the background starts) The Lady of the Whirlpool, her arm clad in the shimmering bosom of the water, held aloft a rusty sword, telling me that if I could cut a tree with it, that I would be able to become King of Hearts and have the title Gundam of Gundams and become your king. After training, it finally happened. (music stops) That is why I am your king.

Kyral: Yeah, right! That's no basis for a system of government!

Domon: Be quiet.

Kyral: I mean, if I went around, saying I was an emperor, just cause some watery tot threw a sword at me, they'd throw me in the clink!

Domon: Be quiet!

Kyral: You can't base a system of government on some farcical aquatic ceremony!  It's just not right!

Domon: (comes over and starts shaking Kyral) Shut Up! SHUT UP!

Kyral: Now we see the violence inherent in the system! HELP, HELP I'M BEIN' REPRESED! 

Domon: Bloody peasant!

Kyral: Oh, what a giveaway. Did you hear that, did you hear that? 

END SECOND INSTALLMENT OF COMPLETE INSANITY


	3. The Third Installment

Disclaimer: I do NOT own G Gundam or Monty Python. G Gundam is owned by Bandai, and Monty Python is owned by four living and one dead complete screwballs. 

A/N:  All right, more reviews! Thanks!

Sora: Hey, no problem. I just like to read your stuff, and that one was pretty good. Glad you like this thing, too. **grins** I think you'll get a kick out of this chapter.

Crystal of psyche: Yes, another funny chapter. Lots more are on the way, this is just the beginning… (Turns into Wong and gives evil laugh) AHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, back to normal.

Malgi: Um, it is continued. There are three (counting this one) chapters up and counting. Glad you like!

And Now 

**G Gundam And The man called Kyoji!**

**PART THREE**

Our two brave explorers have reached a bridge, and have just witnessed a daringly cheap fight between two knights. Going up to the one knight, Domon prepares to talk, and, if necessary, fight…. Domon: (walks up to black knight) Oh good sir knight, I have just witnessed the fight you have had, and I am impressed. I herby ask you to join me in my quest for Knights of the Shuffle Alliance. (pause) I ask you if you want to join me and be seated at my Shining Table in the court of Camelot. (pause) You have proved yourself worthy. (pause; black n\knight, who is Michelo Chariot, glares at Domon from beneath helmet) 

Domon: You make me sad. Come, Rain. (gets stopped by Black Knight)

BK: You cannot pass.

Domon: What?

BK: You cannot pass.

Domon: I have no quarrel wit you, good sir knight. Please move.

BK: I move… for no man. Domon: I must cross this bridge! 

BK: Then you will die.

Domon: (draws sword) So be it! (Starts fighting black knight, after about three minutes, Domon cuts off BK's left arm) I have won.

BK: 'Tis but a scratch. 

Domon: A scratch?! You're arm's off!

BK: No it isn't!

Domon: Look!

BK: I've had worse.

Domon: You liar!

BK: Come on, you pansy! (starts fighting again, this time, BK's right arm gets cut off)

Domon: (kneels and prays) Oh Lord, I thank you for this victory in which I- (gets kicked) What the-?

BK: Come on, then?

Domon: Look, sir knight, you are brave, but the fight is mine!

BK: Oh, had enough, eh?

Domon: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!

BK: Yes I have!

Domon: LOOK!

BK: Just a flesh wound, that's all.

Domon: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! (cuts off BK's left leg)

BK: Right, I'll do you for that!

Domon: You'll what?!

BK: I'm invincible!

Domon: You're a loony.

BK: The Black Knight always triumphs!

(Domon cuts off Black Knights other leg)

BK: All right then, we'll call it a draw. (sees Domon and Rain semi-gallop away) Oh, oh, I see, running away, eh? You yellow bastards, I'll bite your legs off! Awww, shit. 

Now that the Black Knight has been defeated, we meet up with our intrepid semi-heroes, as they approach another peasant village. An angry crowd is pushing a girl up to a podium with a knight on it…. Crowd: We've got a witch! 

Peasant #1: We've caught a witch, may we burn her?

Argo: How do you know she is a witch?

P1: Cause she looks like one!

Witch: (Allenby in a costume) I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!

Argo: But you are dressed as one.

Allenby: THEY dressed me up like this. And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!

Argo: (lifts up false nose) So it is. (turns to crowd) Did you dress her up like this?

Crowd: No, no! Well… Yes. A bit.

Peasant #2: We did do the nose. And the hat, but she is a witch! 

Argo: How do you know she is a witch?

Peasant #3: Well, she turned me into a newt, and went berserk on me!

Argo: A newt?

P3: Well… I got better….

Crowd: Burn her anyway! Burn her, burn her!

Argo: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch or not. Tell me, what do you do with witches?

Crowd: Burn them!

Argo: And what do you burn apart from witches?

P1: More witches!

P2: Shush! Wood!

Argo: Good. Now, why do witches burn?

P3: (thinks) Cause… they're made of wood?

Argo: Good. Now, how can we tell if she's made of wood or not?

P1: Build a bridge out of her!

Argo: Ahhh, but can't bridges also be built out of stone?

P1: Oh, yeah.

Argo: Tell me, does wood sink in water?

P2: Nope, nope, it floats. Floats! Throw  'er into the pond!

Argo: What else floats in water?

P1: Apples!

P3: Gravy!

P2: Uh, very small rocks!

P2: Cider!

P3: Churches, churches!

Domon: A duck. (crowd turns and gasps in amazement)

Argo: Exactly. So…

P1: If she… weighs the same as a duck… she's made of wood?

Argo: And therefore?

Crowd: (pauses) A witch! 

Argo: We shall use my largest scales.

Argo: (sees that both "witch" and duck are on scales) Remove the supports!

Crowd: (Sees scale balance) A witch! Burn her!

Allenby: Something like this can ruin your whole day. (gets taken away, presumably to be burned)

Argo: (turns to Domon) Who are you, o stranger, who is so wise in the way of science?

Domon: I am Domon, King of Hearts.

Argo: (kneels) My liege!

Domon: Will you join me at my Shining table in the court of Camelot?

Argo: My liege, I would be honored!

Domon: What is your name, Good knight? 

Argo: Argo, My liege!

Domon: Then I dub you Sir Argo, Black Joker!

END THIRD INSTALLMENT


	4. The Fourth Installment Do we see a patte...

Disclaimer: I do NOT own G Gundam or Monty Python. G Gundam is owned by Bandai, and Monty Python is owned by four living and one dead complete screwballs. 

A/N. Holy Crap! I guess people really like this thing! Guess I'll have to continue the insanity, then. 

      Sora: Yup, the Black Knight is the best. Other than the French, but since they're in this chapter, I won't say anymore.

      Joe Mello: Ah, well, I had to think of something. She was the best I could come up with. Forgot about Nastashia, though. Hmmm…

      Black Joker Ladys: I have a feeling you hate Allenby a lot. 

      Raven Zero: Don't worry, more is on the way, once I finish writing these things.

      Crystal of psyche: Yeah, he's my favorite part. Except for Tim. And the Knights of Ni. And, well, the whole damn thing.

      Ari: Why thank you very much! 

      Casey & Liza: Um… well, George will be in this chapter, if Casey's conscious enough to read it… And Liza, perhaps you should think twice about hitting people over the head with George plushies, cause you never know what might happen.

And Now 

**G Gundam and The man called Kyoji!**

**PART FOUR**

And so, King Domon began to found the Knights if the Shining table. It included (looks through the world renowned "Book of the Film") Sir Chibodee Crockett, the Brave (Queen of Spades), Sir George de Sand, the Chaste (Jack of Diamonds), and Sir Sai Saici, the not quite as so brave as Sir Chibodee, who had nearly fought the Rats of Angor, who had nearly defeated the Mummy's of Brazil, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill (Ace of Clubs). Together they formed… The Shuffle Alliance!

(Cut to the Knights semi-galloping along)

Argo: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be Banana-shaped.

Domon: This new learning amazes me, Sir Argo. Tell me again how sheep's bladders can be used to prevent earthquakes.

Chibodee: Look, My liege!

(Crappy trumpet music in the background as he points to a castle)

Domon: Camelot!

George: Camelot!

Sai: Camelot! 

Rain: It's only a model.

Domon: Shush! 

Rain: Well, there's a spirit breaker.

Domon: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride… to Camelot!

(Funny music starts)

Various Knights: We're Knights of the Shining Table.  
We dance whene'er we're able.  
We do routines and chorus scenes  
With footwork impeccable.  
We dine well here in Camelot.  
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

(dancing)__

We're Knights of the Shining Table.  
Our shows are formidable,  
But many times we're given rhymes  
That are quite unsingable.  
We're opera mad in Camelot.  
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

(in dungeon)

PRISONER: (clap clap clap clap)

(back in hall)

KNIGHTS: (tap-dancing)

In war we're tough and able,  
Quite indefatigable.  
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.  
It's a busy life in Camelot.

MAN: I have to push the pram a lot.

Domon: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

Knights: Right.

(Moves to scene where they are still galloping around)

God (Major Ulube): Domon… Domon…

Domon: My liege! (all bend down)

God: Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I hate, it's people groveling! 

Domon: Sorry…

God: And don't apologize! Every single day, it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"… What are you doing now, you bugger?!

Domon: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.

God: It's just like those miserable psalms, they're so depressing… NOW KNOCK IT OFF!

Domon: Yes, Lord!

God: Domon… King of Hearts… I have a task for you and your Knights of the Shining Table.

Domon: Good idea, oh Lord!

God: 'Course it's a good idea! Domon… look well… it is your task to find this man… (shows Domon picture of Kyoji) That is your task Domon… to find the guy named Kyoji…

(heavenly monotone music plays, as clouds close)

Chibodee: A blessing! A blessing form the lord!

(Interesting animated sequence)

Domon: Halt! Hallo! (Pause) Hallo!

French Guard (George with a taped-on moustache): Allo! Who is eet?

Domon: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?

French Guard: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

Domon: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the man named  Kyoji.

French Guard: Well, I'll go ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he already knows one, you see.

Domon: What?

George: He says they already know one!

Domon: Wait? Where did you come from? Aren't you supposed to be… never mind. Are you sure he's got one?

French Guard: Oh, yes. He's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)

Domon: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?

French Guard: Of course not! You are Japanese and Russian and American and Chinese and other French types-a!

Domon: Well, what are you, then?

F G: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?!

George: What are you doing in England?

F G: Mind your own business!

Domon: If you will not show us the man named Kyoji, we shall take your castle by force!

F G: You don't frighten us, multi-national pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Domon King, you and all your silly UN k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! 

George: What a strange person. Very strange indeed.

Chibodee: Reminds me of some certain people right here… (looks away whistling, as George glares at him)

Domon: Now look here, my good man--

F G: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whoper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

George: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

F G: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! 

Domon: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable, and all I want is...

F G: (Fetchez la vache.)

Other French Guard: Wha?

F G: (Fetchez la vache!) 

Domon: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- 

(twong)__

(mooooooo)

Jesus Christ! 

Domon: Bloody hell. Right, charge!

(Mass mayhem insues, with the knights vainly try to hurt the castle with their swords and the French throwing various animals at them)

F G: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go. And this one's for your dad!

Domon: Run away!

F G: Thppppt!

Chibodee: Stupid buggers! I'll tear them apart!

Domon: No, no.

Argo: Sir! I have a plan, sir.

Later...

(various power tools are heard, along with someone stepping on a cat, and a giant wodden rabbit is pushed up to the French Castle)

French Guards: (whispering)

C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Allons-y. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here... 

(French take the rabbit into castle and close door__

Domon: What happens now, Argo?

Argo: Well, now, uh, Chibodee, George, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! Good plan, isn't it?

Domon: Wait, wait. Who leaps out?

Argo: Uh, Chibodee, George, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh...

Domon: Ohh. Damn.

Argo: Oh. what if we built this large wooden badger-- 

Domon: Oh, shut up!

(twongg)

Domon: Run away!

Knights: Run away! Run away! (repeats)

(CRASH)

F G: Oh, haw haw haw haw! 

END FOURTH INSTALLMENT


	5. The Third Fifth! Installment

A/N: Sorry I haven't uploaded in a looooong time- I've been out of a humor kick for a while. I've also started up a new profile (and story) on FictionPress.net under the author name "Son of Gondor", so go ahead and take a look if you want.

Anyway, far too many people have reviewed for me to write thanks individually, so thanks to everyone!
    
    The Tale of Sai Sici.  So each of the knights went their separate ways.  Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels… err, monks, rather. Sorry bout that.
    
    Monks:  [singing]  Bravely bold Sai Sici, rode forth from Camelot.
    
        He was not afraid to die, O brave Sai Sici.
    
        He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
    
        Brave, brave, brave, brave Sai Sici!
    
        He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
    
        Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
    
        To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
    
        And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sai Sici!
    
        His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
    
        And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
    
        And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off,
    
        And his pen--
    
    Sai Sici:  That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads.  Heh.
    
        Looks like there's dirty work afoot. **Looks at sign that says "Beware- Dirty Work Afoot Just a Few Steps Further"**
    
    Kyral:  Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
    
    Woman:  Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom.  We haven't got enough mud.
    
    Giant Three Headed version of Dahal: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… er, Halt!  Who art thou?
    
    Monks:  [singing]  He is brave Sai Sici, brave Sai Sici, who--
    
    Sai Sici:  Shut up!  Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody really, I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just um,
    
        just passing through.
    
    Giant Three Headed version of Dahal:  What do you want?
    
    Monks:  [singing]  To fight and--
    
    Sai Sici:  Shut up!  Um, oo, a-- nothing, nothing really.  I, uh, j-- j-- just--
    
        just to um, just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.
    
    Giant Three Headed version of Dahal:  I'm afraid not!
    
    Sai Sici:  Ah.  W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Shining Table.
    
    Giant Three Headed version of Dahal:  You're a Knight of the Shining Table?
    
    Sai Sici:  Um… Yes, I even have a card, if you want to see it….
    
    LEFT HEAD:  Card-carryer, eh? In that case I shall have to kill you.
    
    MIDDLE HEAD:  Shall I?
    
    RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, I don't think so.
    
    MIDDLE HEAD:  Well, what do I think?
    
    LEFT HEAD:  I think kill him.
    
    RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, let's be nice to him.
    
    LEFT HEAD:  Oh shut up.
    
    Sai Sici:  Perhaps I could--
    
    LEFT HEAD:  And you.  Oh, quick!  Get the sword out.  I want to cut his head
    
        off!
    
    RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, cut your own head off!
    
    MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes, do us all a favor!
    
    LEFT HEAD:  What?
    
    RIGHT HEAD:  Yapping on all the time.
    
    MIDDLE HEAD:  You're lucky.  You're not next to him.
    
    LEFT HEAD:  What do you mean?
    
    MIDDLE HEAD:  You snore!
    
    LEFT HEAD:  Oh, I don't.  Anyway, you've got bad breath.
    
    MIDDLE HEAD:  Well it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
    
    RIGHT HEAD:  Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
    
    LEFT HEAD:  Oh, all right.  All right.  All right.  We'll kill him first and
    
        then have tea and biscuits.
    
    MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes.
    
    RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, not biscuits.
    
    LEFT HEAD:  All right.  All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.
    
    Giant Three Headed version of Dahal:  Right!
    
    MIDDLE HEAD:  He buggered off.
    
    RIGHT HEAD:  So he has.  He's scarpered.
    
    Monks:  [singing]  Brave Sir Robin ran away.
    
    Sai Sici:  No!
    
    Monks:  [singing]  Bravely ran away away.
    
    Sai Sici:  I didn't!
    
    Monks:  [singing]  When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his
    
        tail and fled.
    
    Sai Sici:  No!
    
    MINSTREL:  [singing]  Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
    
    Sai Sici:  I didn't!
    
    Monks:  [singing]  And gallantly he chickened out, bravely taking to his
    
        feet.
    
    Sai Sici:  I never did!
    
    Monks:  [singing]  He beat a very brave retreat.
    
    Sai Sici:  All lies!
    
    Monks:  [singing]  Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.
    
    Sai Sici:  I never!

**Stalker:** The Tale of Sai Sici. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sai Sici rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his two monks.

**Monks:** Bravely bold Sai Sici rode forth from Camelot.  
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sai Sici.  
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,  
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sai Sici!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,  
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,  
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away  
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sai Sici!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out  
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged  
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off  
And his pen--

**Sai: **Um, that's getting a little unpleasant, can you stop? Anyway, what if kids read this?

**ALL HEADS (THREE-HEADED KNIGHT):** Halt!

[dramatic chord]

Who art thou?

**Monk:** [singing] He is brave Sai Sici, brave Sai Sici, who--  
**ROBIN:** Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.

**ALL HEADS:** What do you want?

**MINSTREL:** [singing] To fight and--

**ROBIN:** Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.

**ALL HEADS:** I'm afraid not!

**ROBIN:** Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Round Table.

**ALL HEADS:** You're a Knight of the Round Table?

**ROBIN:** I am.

**LEFT HEAD:** In that case, I shall have to kill you.

**MIDDLE HEAD:** Shall I?

**RIGHT HEAD:** Oh, I don't think so.

**MIDDLE HEAD:** Well, what do I think?

**LEFT HEAD:** I think kill him.

**RIGHT HEAD:** Oh, let's be nice to him.

**LEFT HEAD:** Oh, shut up.

**ROBIN:** Perhaps I could--

**LEFT HEAD:** And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!

**RIGHT HEAD:** Oh, cut your own head off!

**MIDDLE HEAD:** Yes, do us all a favour!

**LEFT HEAD:** What?

**RIGHT HEAD:** Yapping on all the time.

**MIDDLE HEAD:** You're lucky. You're not next to him.

**LEFT HEAD:** What do you mean?

**MIDDLE HEAD:** You snore!

**LEFT HEAD:** Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.

**MIDDLE HEAD:** Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.

**RIGHT HEAD:** Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.

**LEFT HEAD:** Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.

**MIDDLE HEAD:** Yes.

**RIGHT HEAD:** Oh, not biscuits.

**LEFT HEAD:** All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.

**ALL HEADS:** Right!

**MIDDLE HEAD:** He buggered off.

**RIGHT HEAD:** So he has. He's scarpered.

**MINSTREL:** [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away,

**ROBIN:** No!

**MINSTREL:** [singing] Bravely ran away, away.

**ROBIN:** I didn't!

**MINSTREL:** [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.

**ROBIN:** No!

**MINSTREL:** [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about

**ROBIN:** I didn't!

**MINSTREL:** [singing] And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,

**ROBIN:** I never did!

**MINSTREL:** [singing] He beat a very brave retreat,

**ROBIN:** All lies!

**MINSTREL:** [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.

**ROBIN:** I never!

END THE THIRD ('Fifth, sir! Fifth!") er, FIFTH INSTALLMENT


End file.
